I hope mine doesn't look like that
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
