i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
