just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
