Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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