She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
