I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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