I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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