so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
