Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
