I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
