I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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