i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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