i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
