Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
