News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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