When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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