Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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