we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
