im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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