Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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