God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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