I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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