True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
