At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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