Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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