It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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