I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
