Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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