Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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