Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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