he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
