I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
