Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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