I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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