I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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