whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
