Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
