its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think pants incapable of making pants work
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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