Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i drank out of a bidet.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
