just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
