just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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