As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
