No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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