Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
