i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
