I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize