Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
