I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
