I wish I only lived at night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
