those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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