I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
