she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
