dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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